Private Eye's Eyeballs: The best bits

Private Eye has combined its Commentatorballs and Dumb Britain section into a new book, Eyeballs.

The book’s editor Marcus Berkmann said: “Commentatorballs is professional broadcasters making fools of themselves.

“Dumb Britain is the general public making fools of themselves. So I think it makes sense putting them all in one book.

“It’s a festival of idiocy and humiliation. All life is here.”

Here are some of PG’s favourites:

Daytime TV

Jeremy Kyle: “If my dad were still alive today, he’d turn in his grave.”

James Martin: “Your CV reads like a who’s who of what you’ve done.”

Mariella Frostrup: “If it wasn’t for my father, I might not be sitting here today.”


Pat Nevin: “A cliché to me is like a red rag to a bull.”

David Pleat: “Football is a democracy. There’s always a dictator at the top.”

Kevin Keegan: “Sometimes the pendulum swings both ways.”

Terry Butcher: “People call it Armageddon, but I think it’s worse than that.”


Laura Moore: “There was literally two heads on me, I had literally two heads...”

Mark Pougatch: “He [Usain Bolt] has hordes of South Koreans quite literally on a piece of string.”

Ulrika Jonsson: “In Sweden they literally split the child half to spend time with each parent.”

News & comment

BBC Radio 4: “Cracks began to appear when rival publications began to show much more expletive photos...”

Nick Campbell: “If a footballer presents himself as a family man and goes and has sex with a prostitute, should he gag her?”

Billy Butler: “It’s great that there’s greater awareness about Alzheimer’s, which is almost the forgotten disease.”

Kirsty Wark: “Mr Balls it’s not a hypothetical: if you were in charge tomorrow, what would you do?”


Andy Jameson: “That performance has left us speechless. Let’s talk about it.”

Suzie Fowler-Watt: “What characteristics make a good cox? Obviously the size has to be right.

Mark Forster: “Victories always hurt more when you lose.”

Clare Balding: This (pointing to head) is the biggest brain in your body.”

Dumb Britain

Dick or Dom: “What is the pronoun in this sentence? The children asked if they could go on a picnic.”

Contestant: “I think it’s ‘asked’... It’s either ‘children’ or ‘picnic’... I’m going with ‘children’.”

Dick or Dom: “It's the verb in this sentence active or passive: ‘A good goal was scored by Ronaldo’.”

Contestant: “He scored so that’s active to me. It’s definitely active.”

Dick or Dom: “What is the suffix in this sentence: ‘Millhouse was hopeful that he would get top marks in his exam.’”

Contestant: “I’m not exactly sure what a suffix is. This is embarrassing. I work for a national newspaper.”

Dick or Dom: “Which one?”

Contestant: “The Guardian. I think it’s ‘exam’.”

Private Eye has two books out: Eyeballs and the Private Eye Annual 2012. We’ve got 5 copies of both the Annual and Eyeballs to give away – to be in for a chance of winning, click the link below to our Facebook page

Sign up for our free weekly digital magazine, Press Gazette Journalism Weekly, and daily newsletter
To contact Press Gazette with a story call 0207 936 6433
or email
To advertise, please call 0207 936 6764.