Private Eye's Eyeballs: The best bits

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Private Eye has combined its Commentatorballs and Dumb Britain section into a new book, Eyeballs.

The book’s editor Marcus Berkmann said: “Commentatorballs is professional broadcasters making fools of themselves.

“Dumb Britain is the general public making fools of themselves. So I think it makes sense putting them all in one book.

“It’s a festival of idiocy and humiliation. All life is here.”

Here are some of PG’s favourites:

Daytime TV

Jeremy Kyle: “If my dad were still alive today, he’d turn in his grave.”

James Martin: “Your CV reads like a who’s who of what you’ve done.”

Mariella Frostrup: “If it wasn’t for my father, I might not be sitting here today.”

Football

Pat Nevin: “A cliché to me is like a red rag to a bull.”

David Pleat: “Football is a democracy. There’s always a dictator at the top.”

Kevin Keegan: “Sometimes the pendulum swings both ways.”

Terry Butcher: “People call it Armageddon, but I think it’s worse than that.”

Literally

Laura Moore: “There was literally two heads on me, I had literally two heads…”

Mark Pougatch: “He [Usain Bolt] has hordes of South Koreans quite literally on a piece of string.”

Ulrika Jonsson: “In Sweden they literally split the child half to spend time with each parent.”

News & comment

BBC Radio 4: “Cracks began to appear when rival publications began to show much more expletive photos…”

Nick Campbell: “If a footballer presents himself as a family man and goes and has sex with a prostitute, should he gag her?”

Billy Butler: “It’s great that there’s greater awareness about Alzheimer’s, which is almost the forgotten disease.”

Kirsty Wark: “Mr Balls it’s not a hypothetical: if you were in charge tomorrow, what would you do?”

Olympics

Andy Jameson: “That performance has left us speechless. Let’s talk about it.”

Suzie Fowler-Watt: “What characteristics make a good cox? Obviously the size has to be right.

Mark Forster: “Victories always hurt more when you lose.”

Clare Balding: This (pointing to head) is the biggest brain in your body.”

Dumb Britain

Dick or Dom: “What is the pronoun in this sentence? The children asked if they could go on a picnic.”

Contestant: “I think it’s ‘asked’… It’s either ‘children’ or ‘picnic’… I’m going with ‘children’.”

Dick or Dom: “It's the verb in this sentence active or passive: ‘A good goal was scored by Ronaldo’.”

Contestant: “He scored so that’s active to me. It’s definitely active.”

Dick or Dom: “What is the suffix in this sentence: ‘Millhouse was hopeful that he would get top marks in his exam.’”

Contestant: “I’m not exactly sure what a suffix is. This is embarrassing. I work for a national newspaper.”

Dick or Dom: “Which one?”

Contestant: “The Guardian. I think it’s ‘exam’.”

Private Eye has two books out: Eyeballs and the Private Eye Annual 2012. We’ve got 5 copies of both the Annual and Eyeballs to give away – to be in for a chance of winning, click the link below to our Facebook page

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