Private Eye has combined its Commentatorballs and Dumb Britain section into a new book, Eyeballs.
The book’s editor Marcus Berkmann said: “Commentatorballs is professional broadcasters making fools of themselves.
“Dumb Britain is the general public making fools of themselves. So I think it makes sense putting them all in one book.
“It’s a festival of idiocy and humiliation. All life is here.”
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Here are some of PG’s favourites:
Daytime TV
Jeremy Kyle: “If my dad were still alive today, he’d turn in his grave.”
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James Martin: “Your CV reads like a who’s who of what you’ve done.”
Mariella Frostrup: “If it wasn’t for my father, I might not be sitting here today.”
Football
Pat Nevin: “A cliché to me is like a red rag to a bull.”
David Pleat: “Football is a democracy. There’s always a dictator at the top.”
Kevin Keegan: “Sometimes the pendulum swings both ways.”
Terry Butcher: “People call it Armageddon, but I think it’s worse than that.”
Literally
Laura Moore: “There was literally two heads on me, I had literally two heads…”
Mark Pougatch: “He [Usain Bolt] has hordes of South Koreans quite literally on a piece of string.”
Ulrika Jonsson: “In Sweden they literally split the child half to spend time with each parent.”
News & comment
BBC Radio 4: “Cracks began to appear when rival publications began to show much more expletive photos…”
Nick Campbell: “If a footballer presents himself as a family man and goes and has sex with a prostitute, should he gag her?”
Billy Butler: “It’s great that there’s greater awareness about Alzheimer’s, which is almost the forgotten disease.”
Kirsty Wark: “Mr Balls it’s not a hypothetical: if you were in charge tomorrow, what would you do?”
Olympics
Andy Jameson: “That performance has left us speechless. Let’s talk about it.”
Suzie Fowler-Watt: “What characteristics make a good cox? Obviously the size has to be right.
Mark Forster: “Victories always hurt more when you lose.”
Clare Balding: This (pointing to head) is the biggest brain in your body.”
Dumb Britain
Dick or Dom: “What is the pronoun in this sentence? The children asked if they could go on a picnic.”
Contestant: “I think it’s ‘asked’… It’s either ‘children’ or ‘picnic’… I’m going with ‘children’.”
Dick or Dom: “It's the verb in this sentence active or passive: ‘A good goal was scored by Ronaldo’.”
Contestant: “He scored so that’s active to me. It’s definitely active.”
Dick or Dom: “What is the suffix in this sentence: ‘Millhouse was hopeful that he would get top marks in his exam.’”
Contestant: “I’m not exactly sure what a suffix is. This is embarrassing. I work for a national newspaper.”
Dick or Dom: “Which one?”
Contestant: “The Guardian. I think it’s ‘exam’.”
Private Eye has two books out: Eyeballs and the Private Eye Annual 2012. We’ve got 5 copies of both the Annual and Eyeballs to give away – to be in for a chance of winning, click the link below to our Facebook page
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