Maximum Impact 15.12.05

Jude Law did it on the pool table with balls flying everywhere;
David Blunkett allegedly kept his shirt and socks on and grunted a lot;
Michael Portillo (left)n requested his Irish female lover to await his
arrival blindfolded and with the door ajar; while Noel Edmonds’ wife,
Helen (both pictured below), secretly pleasured herself and her lover,
who was a crossdressing bisexual, while frolicking in the hay in
deepest Devon.

This is just a small sample of the valuable
information about the rich and famous that we at MCA have been able to
inform and enlighten the British public with during the past 12 months
– providing more than 100 front-page stories.

For good measure
I’ve also kissed and told on myself, for a vast amount of money, via my
book, and revealed my part in many show business orgies and parties.

I
also referred to the time an old friend died in a cupboard while
blimping (hiding while watching others have sex) at an orgy in the
palatial home of a major movie star.

However, some of the many
stories I’ve stopped from coming out this year have been equally
bizarre. The wife of a very rich and famous British tycoon whose sexual
passion with her dogs – recorded on video – subsequently found its way
to my office and never saw the light of day. The pillar of Irish
society who 20 years on still gets away with dressing in his wife’s
clothes as soon as she’s out of the house. The former newspaper editor
whose regular threesomes in hot and sunny surroundings would have kept
his and rivals’ readers entertained for many a day.

Promotion and
protection – a fascinating combination that provides the basis of a
wonderful little business, which, fortunately for me, just gets more
enjoyable and rewarding every year. So why do more and more people come
to me instead of going straight to the papers?

Unlike them, I
never advertise for stories any more than I ever have for the PR
clients that make up 80 per cent of MCA business. Of course maximum
money and maximum control are the usual reasons, but increasingly I’ve
found that they trust the tabloid journalists who come knocking on
their doors less and less.

So maybe that should be the New Year
resolution for all the tabloid hacks desperately seeking stories – it’s
virtually impossible for you to be honest, so you have to learn to be
better actors.

As one Sunday tabloid journalist put it to one of
my clients: “We’re really not interested in the sex, it’s just the
romantic side of the relationship that we’re after.” With lines like
this you can see why they’re less and less successful.

Happy
Christmas and New Year to all Press Gazette readers – and my resolution
is to try my best to get away with it for at least another year. It
beats working for a living.

The fee for this column is donated to CHASE (Christophers) Children’s Hospital

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