Your circulation is plummeting and your weekly sister title keeps nicking all the Big Brother tartlets for its covershoots.
WhatÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s an editor to do? Get down with the kids and be downright controversial, in the case of Loaded editor Martin Daubney, who has come up with the genius idea of Ã¢â‚¬Å“LoadedÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s Straight Pride MarchÃ¢â‚¬, where straight men can Ã¢â‚¬Å“celebrate our right be heterosexualÃ¢â‚¬.
Happily, there is a video clip of the momentous event in which Daubney asserts that he is by no means homophobic.
In a speech hauntingly reminiscent of Emily off Big BrotherÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s claim that despite using the Ã¢â‚¬Å“nÃ¢â‚¬ word she wasnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t racist because she had lots of black friends, Daubney suggests there are even some gays in the Loaded office.
Gays in IPC? Well, I never.
Straight Pride, Daubney adds, is just about being proud to be heterosexual, because Ã¢â‚¬Å“being heterosexual is undermined and unfashionable these daysÃ¢â‚¬.
Perhaps a trip to Russia, draped in a rainbow flag and a Ã¢â‚¬Å“I love blokesÃ¢â‚¬ T-shirt might help Daubney on his quest to decipher just how fashionable homosexuality is.