Ed Miliband responds to kitten killing slur

Axegrinder was pleasantly surprised to see Labour leader Ed Miliband has a sense of humour as received his Spectator award for parliamentarian of the year.

As you are undoubtedly already aware, plenty of column inches have been expended upon Ed’s father Ralph and whether he hated Britain.

It was this issue, he returned to with his acceptance speech.

He said: “I am engaged in an important battle with a leading vested interest within the media, and you know I quite like taking on those battles. Who’s my battle with?” he asked.

At which stage, Paul Dacre’s ears, Axegrinder imagines, must have been burning.

Ed continued: “My battle is with the Sunday Sport. Because they published something quite scurrilous about my dad. It said this: Ed Miliband’s dad killed my kitten, and quite frankly, you couldn’t make this stuff up.  

Ed held up a print out of the story and read out the quotes – barely stifling his laughter.

He said the story was about a lady called Eunice and her cat Winston.   

Reading from the story, Ed said:  “Winston was my only friend. One night he was late coming home so I went out to look for him. It was a freezing, foggy night but I saw him walking down the road, bold as brass.

“I shouted ‘Come here Winston!’ But at that moment, a young naval officer came pedalling down the road on his bike, singing in a language I now know to be Belgian. He was obviously steaming drunk.

“He barrelled into Winston squashing him flat, then carried on as if nothing had happened. I am convinced that man was Ralph Miliband. Only a Belgian – a Belgian Communist – could have killed a kitten in cold blood.”  

He added: “Now my friends, that is the kind of stuff I have to deal with, sorry I can’t be with you.”

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