Dog watches dog 20.05.04

Sorry… this is not a hoax

A rogue British sunbather has been abusing the British flag and defiling the nation’s favourite newspaper.

This man has brought shame on the army of holidaymakers and Sun readers who happily fight on beaches across the world every summer.

The man, identified only as “Sunbather P”, is pictured here in Union Jack trunks while reading a copy of the super soaraway during a tour of terror in Tenerife in 1987.

Publication of such a disgusting photograph brought swift condemnation and was seen as a calculated and malicious attempt to tell the truth about the Brits abroad.

Bosses at the Ministry of Beach Defences launched an urgent investigation to check the veracity of the unfaked photograph, while Baywatch experts and swimwear intelligence analysts predicted that this shocking snap would jeopardise the global fight for tourism.

One sunburnt pundit slurred: “This comes when there is heightened tension in tourism. It is time for the beach bravado of one man to be measured against the potential suntans of our boys across the world.”

A number of high-rise office workers remain convinced the photo is an “unreal illustration” and point to “inconsistencies” that “prove” their case:  The Shorts – the colours and pattern are those of the Union Jack, but there is no discernible flagpole and no one on the beach is saluting;  The Paper – there is no evidence of sweat or suntan lotion, or a struggle with turning the pages; a common condition in all half-pissed Brits on holiday. And where is the beer belly?  The Sand – there is not enough tarmac for a beach in Tenerife and not one Bedford truck is visible;  The Lack of Movement – “Sunbather P” is not lurching or leering.

Morgone: won’t admit it’s him until he sees ‘incontrovertible evidence’

He is really an egomaniac poser, not a real-life beach thug. And why is there no moral compass in the photo?  The Lipstick Boxer Shorts (front left) – Tenerife of the Eighties was pretty lawless, but these abhorrent, floppy boxer shorts were never issued.

Whatever the truth behind the photograph, it is widely accepted that the damage is done. The world will now believe that all British tourists dress like this.

Former beach-bum guru Nell Andrew (sic), now a bi-curious rent-aquote boy, sobbed on SurfNight: “This was a cheeky, irreverent sunbather who took risks. The beach won’t be the same without him. I love him and always will! (blub blub cue next link.) There was widespread speculation last night that “Sunbather P” is former celebrity stalker and Big Bother contestant Piers Morgone. He refused to admit the picture was unreal or to apologise for his abusive beach attire.

Morgone – now living beneath a pile of cash the size of the Grand Canyon while retraining as a sandwich orderer – said: “I will not admit that this is me until I see incontrovertible evidence.”

 

Oi! That’s my bag. Western Daily Press photographer Steve Roberts was on a stakeout trying to snap some street wardens accused of burglary when he was the victim of a heist. Just as Steve was waiting to nab his prey, these scooter-riding scalliwags swept past and nabbed his bag. But like a true professional, he managed to get this picture of the culprits – and his disappearing possessions.

Oi! That’s my bag. Western Daily

Press photographer Steve Roberts

was on a stakeout trying to snap

some street wardens accused of

burglary when he was the victim

of a heist. Just as Steve was

waiting to nab his prey, these

scooter-riding scalliwags swept

past and nabbed his bag. But like

a true professional, he managed

to get this picture of the culprits

– and his disappearing

possession

Looks like someone at the Bolton Evening News thinks their local hero shouldn’t leave anything to chance, if the ad placed under the story is anything to go by. The piece describes how Professor Brian Cunningham and his team face treacherous conditions crossing 1,000km of Mongolian desert in the Network VEKA 2004 Gobi-Kites Expedition\later this year. Maybe after reading the ad they should go carefully over the bumps. The Prof says they are taking a sat phone, but the ad doesn’t say if the law firm does site visits.

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