Dog watches dog 01.07.05

‘LIVELY' LUNCH LEAVES WATERHOUSE WATERHOUSE LAID LOW

Newspaper legend Keith Waterhouse is recovering in a nursing home,
Dog is sorry to report, after breaking his right arm following a
four-hour lunch.

The bon viveur extraordinaire managed to sustain the injury
stylishly, by tumbling from his bed as he slept off the affects of
chilled Pinot Grigio.

The day had started out so nicely.

The
Daily Mail columnist had been at Kensington restaurant Langan's Coq
D'Or with four other veteran Mail diners: John Edwards, Ian Wooldridge,
Peter McKay (aka Ephraim Hardcastle)n and John McEntee (aka Wicked
Whispers).

"They saw to about 10 bottles of wine and Keith ordered eggs benedict," says Dog's eye witness. "But he only ate a forkful."

After
the "meal", Edwards, 72, assist-ed Waterhouse, 76, in a short shuffle
back to the latter's home and helped him onto the potentially lethal
bed.

After the topple, injured Waterhouse did a night or two at
the Chelsea and Westminster Hospital. But after grumbling about another
patient's snoring, he was moved to the Kensington Nursing Home, from
where he tells Dog: "I think I fell from my bed but I don't know. All I
know is that I woke up on the floor." He reckoned it had been a
"lively" lunch but, pushed for more detailed recollections, he suddenly
said: "I'm sorry but I must go. My physiotherapist is here."

The Daily Mail has informed its readers that Waterhouse is simply "away".

Dog is already slavering in anticipation of the master's full account in his column — even if he has to dictate it.

Designer baby rattles Courier

News of shocking shenanigans in the Kent and Sussex Courier's annual Baby of the Year competition reaches Dog's ears.

Along with many other weeklies around the country, the Courier asks
parents and grandparents to nominate their beautiful offspring.

Pictures
of the bouncing babies are printed in the paper, and the public votes
on which is the best looking. It's a circulation- builder because you
have to buy a paper to cast your vote.

But a subversive local blogger, identified only as "Chris", is attempting to undermine the Courier's competition this year.

His fiendish ploy is revealed on the blogger.

com
website (www.voteforjuanzo.blogspot. com). "I have decided to
Photoshop a ‘designer baby' for inclusion. His name is Juanzo," the
cunning swine chortles. As you can see, Juanzo is no oil painting.

To
overcome the problem that the rules of the competition state that each
entrant must be photographed by the paper's own snapper, "Chris"
embellished the tale by inventing a mystery illness, Wolf 's Syndrome,
which meant that such a shoot was impossible.

So, as a special favour, the paper allowed Juanzo's pic to be emailed.

And so, last Friday, the picture of Jaunzo Bell duly appeared in the gallery of 10 to 18- month-olds.

The
blogging bounder continues: "Now, dear reader, I prostrate myself and
ask for your assistance. If you live in or around the Tunbridge Wells
area, please spare a moment to purchase a copy of the Courier and plop
your vote for number 267."

Ken takes the leadlead after all

Evening Standard columnist Nik Cohen was suitably scathing about Ken
Livingstone's free paper The Londoner this week. "I'm sorry to report
that the scoops don't reach the ‘hold the front page' standard," he
said, before ridiculing such stories as London being neck and neck with
Paris in the Olympic bid, cats using gardens as toilets, and a possible
a hosepipe ban this summer.

And what was on the front page of that very edition of the Standard? "Ken wants hosepipe ban in water crisis".

Hold the front page, Nik.

Editor will always be at the races

There can't be many editors who have a race from the Sport of Kings
named after them (in fact if any of the kennel's correspondents can
name just one, let us know) — but such is the honour bestowed upon
Peter Moore, the Grimsby Telegraph editor who died last September.
Neither can there be many who get such glowing plaudits from a
clergyman. The Rector of Grimsby, Michael Hunter, is quoted in the
paper paying fulsome tribute to Moore, and expressing his
disappointment at having to miss the race. Unfortunately, his divine
connections don't help him pick winners.

His tip for the race finished sixth.

Wedderburn a bit slow on the draw

With the excitement surrounding Liverpool's late inclusion in the
hat for next year's Champions League, Sky Sports News understandably
chose to screen the first qualifying round draw in traditional fashion
— with team pairings announced live to the hushed audience.

The channel then decided to present the second qualifying round
draw, which immediately followed, in "talk-over" style. This consisted,
on a split screen, of presenter Mike Wedderburn gibbering on to guests
Phil Thompson, Charlie Nicholas and Alan Kennedy while the draw was
clearly taking place on the "silent" screen to the right.

For the
draw's entire duration, Wedderburn wondered out loud who Liverpool
would get (provided they got past their first-round game with Welsh
team Total Network Solutions), and was left bemused at the end when
Liverpool (or TNS) apparently hadn't come out.

Unfortunately for
both him and Sky Sports, he had missed the fact that the tie in
question had been the first one out of the ornate glass bowls while he
was discussing sweet nothings with his chums.

Apologies? Not on
your life. The undaunted presenter soldiered on as if nothing had been
amiss, smoothly moving into gear to talk about the Reds' prospects of
getting past HB Torshavn of the Faeroes or FBK Kaunas of Lithuania,
while all those who had logged onto uefa.com to observe the draw live
and uninterrupted had been discussing same for the previous 10 minutes.

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