Dog watches dog 01.04.05

FORMER MIRROR HACKS TO REVIVE MAXWELL ERA

Terry Pattinson, former Mirror journalist turned senior citizens’
rights campaigner and sometime thespian, has turned his attention once
again to the stage. Attentive kennel fans will recall Pattinson won a
best supporting actor award at last year’s prestigious Spelthorne Drama
Festival for his role as Leclerc in the stage version of the TV comedy
‘Allo ‘Allo.

But not satisfied with grabbing the gongs for his work front of
stage, Pattinson has taken up his quill to challenge the bard as a
playwright. His latest opus, Betrayal, is drawn from his days on the
Express at the time of the Chapman Pincher spy scandal and will open
some time this summer.

But there’s another work in progress for
which he’s inviting help from fellow Mirror hacks who worked for a
certain proprietor. It’s a play entitled, simply, Captain Bob.

Pattinson
will play himself – he was industrial editor at the time – and is
asking Mirror colleagues from the Robert Maxwell era to join him
treading the boards. Former news editor Tom Hendry, who now works for
news agency INS, has agreed to join the cast, and Pattinson’s next big
target is the former editor Mike Molloy.

He’s keen to hear from other Mirror old stagers who fancy a cameo role.

But
who will play the Bouncing Czech? The Surrey bard admits it’s difficult
to find a 69-year-old, 24 stone, 6 foot 4 inch actor who fits the bill.
So he’s signed up a leading man by the name of James Hanley, who will
instead play a character who is suffering from the delusion that he is
Robert Maxwell.

There’s no shortage of material, Pattinson says. “Even after all these years, stories about the old rogue are still surfacing.

“And don’t worry – all the best material will be in the play.”

Express infiltrates royal wedding

Just one newspaper will have a presence at the wedding of Prince
Charles and Camilla Parker-Bowles. The Windsor & Eton Express.

Not that the weekly has beaten the rest of the world’s media and
received an invitation to be one of just 30 guests at the civil
ceremony in Windsor Guildhall – even though the Queen is a reader and
receives a copy of the newspaper at the castle every week.

The
Express will be represented in the form of founder Charles Knight, who
established the paper in 1812. His bust will look down with a stern
gaze on the proceedings in the Guildhall’s Ascot Room on 8 April.

Cameraman reveals secret life as une femme

Paris-based cameraman Stuart Nimmo has just discovered an unusual
medical problem. For the past 12 years, since moving to France, he has
officially been a woman. For some reason his French social security
number has identified him as being female.

“This explains everything,” says the bearded Nimmo, a former BBC and
ITV programme director. “My doctor, a close friend, is always me
offering something called ‘epilation’

(removal of unwanted hair)
and asking me to lie down behind the screen. I’m not sure how to break
it to him. Mother was right; it’s much the same as sporting clean
underwear… you never know who might see.

“I’m keen to clear this
up in case some Parisian driver runs me over and I end up in hospital.
I might get some tattoos done saying ‘Leave les dangly bits intact –
stitch there, not here, s’il vous plait’. Failing that, I plan to join
the circus as ‘The Bearded Lady’ – with the papers to prove it!”

RBI code ties loose tongues

An interesting document pops into the kennel’s inbox. It’s entitled
‘RBI Code of Conduct for employee behaviour at work-related events’ and
sets out standards of behaviour expected of Reed Business Information
staff involved in off-site business entertainment and other
work-related events.

The document explains the necessity of having a code to provide some
“clarity as to acceptable and unacceptable behaviour while at events”.

Specifically,
it covers guidance on the consumption of alcohol, illegal drugs,
harassment, assault, verbal abuse and the passing on of confidential
information.

Alcohol should be consumed in moderation and drunkenness is not allowed, says the code.

“Tongues can loosen,” it notes.

“While
at work-related events, employees continue to represent the Company and
so should behave in a professional, mature and responsible manner.”

The code applies to events including conferences, exhibitions, charity events and training exercises. Oh, and awards ceremonies.

Dog
is happy to make these extremely sensible measures available to any
attendees of the British Press Awards. For future reference.

Brown-nosing advice

In a very sharp and funny London Review of Books review of The
Insider, by ex-Mirror editor Piers Morgan, Jenny Diski offers this
possible reply to Morgan’s question as to what to say if, in the gents,
one met Rupert Murdoch “standing next to you with your flies open?”

Ms Diski writes: “Well, Piers, what about something like: ‘Your
penis is so very much bigger than mine, Mr Murdoch, sir, and I’d use
your shit for toothpaste.'”

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